Tag Archives: #sayanything

Help me Tom Cruise,  Oprah and Baby Jesus 

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I just burst out in tears, not my proudest moments as a parent but we all have these moments sometimes where we just fall apart.  I dare any parent to tell me otherwise. Recently I  have entered the wonderful world teenage years.  This is the area where your baby starts to define who they are,  they test boundaries,  they grow,  they dont need you,  but still need you so much.  To me it’s like revisiting the toddler years but with testosterone and lots of eye rolling and back talk and a tiny mustache. This is also the part of your life where as you’re wading in fresh attitude hell,  you apologize to the heavens and your parents for being so awful. I put my parents through pure hell and on a few occasions they both lost their patience with me.  I get it.  Payback is a beyoch and I’m in the throes of it.  

My son is gifted academically and this month alone hes been sought out to be in leadership groups,  invited to take his SATs in the 7th grade and to participate in a 5 year program for kids which will eventually lead to scholarships (I’m a single mom struggling so this is HUGE) hes had to apply to this program by today and write an essay to get in,  get letters of recommendation etc.  He puts it off until this morning. I wake him up, I’m sitting here trying to help and in fussing at him because lately he just has an “I don’t care attitude” and honestly I just want to throw in the towel on this whole parenting thing.  Im stretched thin.  His grades lately have dropped for no other reason than “school is stupid” and well my baby is sullen,  ornery,  and wants to play basketball or video games all day.  This is normal.  This is expected.  There comes a day where you are no longer the favorite human,  the best friend and more of a bother.  I’ve prepared for this,  but what I didn’t expect was the attitude. 

  Going back to this essay that he’s writing,  I ask him “why he didn’t care ” and he says “cuz I don’t,  I’m doing this for you.  You want me to do this,  you said it was for scholarships” 

  So I just was crushed,  because yes he’s 13 he doesn’t realize the opportunities that he has that I never did and how this will help his future.  No 13 year old sees that.  

 

 So then I go into a speech about how I wish my parents had helped me in school, not because they wouldn’t,  but because they didn’t know of these opportunities or how smart I really was and well in the 90s, I didn’t know how to ask for help either. They instilled a strong work ethic in me, so that’s all I knew.  Work hard,  make an effort and it will work out. (Great lessons. Mom and Dad don’t feel bad) i explained to him how I wish I didn’t have to work two jobs to pay for college that I had to drop out of because I couldn’t afford it, (I’m still paying for college loans with a high school education and no degree)  that if I had a chance at an education I wouldn’t be working at a hotel for 20 years and not following my dreams.  That I wanted a different life and if I had the chances hes been given I’d be a success.  Then I realize ive said this crying. And maybe I am projecting my failures on him and I’m trying to keep him from growing up to be me.  

He looks at me blankly.  This is what parenting a teenager is. 

This parenting thing is so hard and all i think most of us want is for them to be better than us. To be happy and healthy and good kind people.  I know he will be,  I have faith that this will all work out.  He’s too awesome and I just have to remind myself to be gentle and loving and patient because this won’t last forever.  

  Hugs to everyone parenting a teenager….. lord knows I ain’t seen nothing yet.  

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When a dream is just a dream

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  They say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.  I used to always laugh whenever I heard that saying because in the past it has never served me well.  The heart wants what it wants and when it doesn’t get it,  it throws your whole mind off balance.  Kind of like an emotional hostage standoff with yourself but you never really win.  The mind is logical the heart acts like a three year old in a toy store throwing a tantrum over a toy it can’t have.  Unrequited love,  it’s the story of my life. 

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  I’ve lost count how many times I have fallen hard for Mr Wrong.  How i completely open up and love so very hard.  There was Mr. Untouchable -who guarded his heart with a steel fortress, Mr. Soul-jah who was a vital part of me growing up and I remember anytime I would say I love you,  i would say it in a whisper almost afraid it would fly away if i said it any louder,  Mr. I really can’t stand you-but im gonna do the right thing-until i can’t-then I’m going to tear you down piece by piece until you are a shell of your former self and the oldie but recent who has so many names :Mr.  Nomad- mister Mt Everest- mister soul,  mister best friend,  mister music, mister not in my life at the moment because I woke up one day and over waffles and conversation i realized he would never love me. This one in particular has been rough.  It has me dreaming about him,  it has me angrier than I’ve ever been,  it has me sadder than I’ve ever been.  This one has been someone I’ve loved for  15 years on and off, who became more than a love,  but someone who knew what i was saying without me saying anything at all.  He was my version of the unattainable,  unconquerable Mr.  Big,  except in this ending there is no him chasing me down in Paris or standing outside my window with a boombox in Say Anything style.  There’s not going to be a fight where we run outside and kiss in the pouring rain,  there’s no being away and suddenly running through the airport,  flagging down a taxi and banging on the door to declare that this whole time you’ve been an idiot and in fact are in love.  That crap only exists in movies,  in real life you get the occasional “hey ” text and then deafening silence in between.

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  My friends are so amazing and supportive and still hold on for hope that one day someone amazing as me will come into my life.  My family or more so my mother has realized I’m 36 and in a loving,  only a way a foreign mother can say- has all but given up on that hope for me,  but reminds me that at least i have a child,  a house and a car.  Every now and then she sprinkles in the occasional “it’s ok to be a lesbian joke” as if she’s trying to coax me out of a closet that doesn’t exist or come to grips that I’m not married. Lol but in her ultra feminist rant and in the same breath will just say “ju dont need a maaan” (say it with a thick accent like Sofia Vergara- that’s how my mom sounds) but behind closed doors im sure it’s more like this

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  So back to friends. They have helped me swipe on dating apps and told me to let go of my Mr. Big, who have been there for my numerous rants and ups and downs they have been great.  They tell me to get out more and offer dating advice from their married couches.

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Imagine their surprise when i told them that a co worker is setting me up on a blind date with Mr. Unicorn.  Mr.  Unicorn has earned this nickname because he frankly sounds too good to be true.  My matchmaking friend has told him about my independent,  feminist, no nonsense,  single mom, big booty,  plus sized life and he’s still interested. I have been told personality traits that border on the line of unreal and get the fuck outta here- no one is that awesome. (6’9, has a career,  no kids,  likes to send flowers, likes plus sized girls,  is a good friend ect) So i dubbed him Mr. Unicorn because you hear of people like this,  but i personally have never met one) so you can imagine the  flurry of excitement and advice on how to act,  what to say,  what to wear,  what not to say.  A team,  a freaking team of friends have thought of every excuse i could come up with and have combated them with solutions before i could come up with them.  I have 6 back up babysitters in case i try to use my child as an excuse,  i have 3 sets of couples who can show up unannounced and “bump into me ” at said location. i have a team of women mad that i won’t pick an outfit and people treating this like I’m the fucking next in line to take on the throne lol.

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I guess it doesn’t help that i haven’t been on a date since 2003. I’m not even lying about that part.  I mean yes I’ve been with guys in between that time but my self esteem was so low i didn’t require much maintenance so no formal dates were had. So i know I’ll muck this up by being super awkward

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So here i go,  doing what i know is not best by trying to get under someone else to get over someone else.  It has failed in the past but maybe I’ll get to meet some awesome people.  And in the words of the amazing,  talented Kristen Chenowith, Maybe this time. …

-Go out & be awesome ♡ Denise