Tag Archives: holidays

The Plague of the Single Mother

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lucha It was the end of a rather chaotic day. My son and his friends had accidentally broken a neighborhood basketball goal and we had to scramble to replace it. A few friends had come to assess the situation and someone very special to me showed up, tools in hand and ready to put in the hard work. There was no way I could have done this by myself. There was gratitude and love pouring from my heart as i watched my son and this person put together a goal. They laughed and semi bonded as much as you can bond with a twelve-year-old boy and the stress of my day-to-day life was relieved but for  a short moment.   As the evening progressed we got into rather deep conversations, as we are known for and started talking about the future and things that we wanted. I felt safe and secure and open. I voiced my opinions about a few things and laughed and drank a Margarita. I thanked him and sent him little tiny love hearts from my soul to his. The brief history is he is my Mr Big. A friendship that has spanned more than a decade. A quiet love, an understanding. But like two ship crossing in the night, it never seems to workout. Timing and Life just never seem to allow us to meet where I would want us to. It tortures me sometimes and yet i show up with a smile and an open heart, one that thinks that maybe after kissing all these frogs, eventually i will get my turn. I will find my Prince.  Now I’ve walked away from this “love” many times. Were not the type to fight or say mean things. He’s one of the kindest souls Ive ever met. Beautifully tortured and weathered by life. His personality mirroring Tristan from Legends of the Fall, which sounds romantic until i realize that I am Susanna – the one who loves the unconquerable, free roaming spirit that is Tristan. Nothing good will ever come of this, I know how this story ends.The thing about loving an unconquerable soul and it’s not for the weak, is understanding that sometimes the unpredictable happens and i suppose that’s exciting, the other part of that is that often times its accompanied by a bit of torture and when that soul goes deep sometimes things are said that there is no recovering from.

legendsIn my case, last night, it came in the form of “I can’t be with someone who has a child from another man…..” followed by reasons and run on sentences. He sat there staring at the ceiling not even realizing what he said. It wasn’t said in malice, just not thought through. I dropped my needle and thread (i was stitching a hole in a bag) and said to him “That was the most unkind thing you have ever said to me.” He immediately opened his mouth, eyes widened and realized in horror what he had said. He tried to explain and I calmly said to him “From the Overflow of the Heart the Mouth Speaks, and your mouth is speaking loudly” He grew silent. I tried to recover, gain my composure, tried to pretend it didn’t feel like a thousand daggers in my heart. But the damage was done. In that moment the tiny light of what was left, my humanity, felt snuffed out. I wasn’t angry. I told him that, one should never apologize for their truth and that although not the answer i would ever want to hear, it was pointless to try to convince him otherwise. I knew at that moment, the story of me and my Mr. Big would have to end. That my “Tristan” would ultimately be my demise.

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Which brings me to a restless night and thinking. What is it about some men that are bothered or threatened or put off by a single mother? On dating sites, sometimes we are avoided like the plague. Like we are part of a leper colony. Some men have no issues. I have yet to meet one, but i know they exist because my friends who were in similar situations have met men who love them and their children. I can’t get mad at people who don’t want to be involved with a single mother, it is definitely not for the weak. In my situation, my son is my top priority. I work to provide us a beautiful home, I drive us around in an old Dodge, we have activities, i do homework, i cook, clean, sing, dance and provide single-handed;y for us. In my situation, I’m not looking for a savior. Someone to pay my bills or support my son. He’s 12, there’s not much to do at this point except guidance and reaping the rewards of a decades worth of hard work. So why does this life scare some? Why do some men run from us like we are gearing up to unleash the apocalypse? Maybe its the media portrayal? Maybe its the bad apples spoiling it for some of us. Maybe Ive only met a certain type of men. Maybe its just me. Who knows.

I’ve read several articles and opinions on this to gain a better understanding and my “friend” had his own explanation. These are a few gems that I have run across my deep dark walk through the Internet

  • From Reddit: let’s say that you weren’t married when you got pregnant, for the sake of this discussion. What does the man already know about you? First, that you make poor, selfish decisions about your kids. You see, having children outside of marriage is bad for the kids – it has been proved over and over again.
  • From a Blog: Single moms though have obviously already been through their share of relationships along with all the experiences of being a parent too.  If I wanted to get seriously involved with a single mom, I’d have to forgo the dream of having a wife where we spend time together before kids, then slowly grow together as parents from the very beginning.  Instead, I’d have to hit the ground running and learn how to be a fatherly image to kids that are not mine, despite having absolutely no experience whatsoever of being a dad.  Kids, who more likely than not would resent me and my presence for not being their real dad.
  • And just to add insult to injury, a lot of single moms don’t want to have more children, so I don’t even get the benefit of fathering kids of my own.  So I’m tasked with caring and draining my financial resources for a family that I have no blood ties with, with a wife who would likely have no time for me because she has her kids to think about.  My whole life would revolve around the fruit of another man’s loins.  Errr, no thanks.
  • Comments on Threads: Single moms are truly the epitome of why other nations hate the West. They create these matriarchal fiefdoms all backed, paid for, and legislated by the government(either through welfare or by child support/alimony). They are greedy, narcissistic, shallow, vapid, manipulative, unafraid to annihilate and ruin you using the law and are a severe blight on any industrialized nation. The kids grow up, being an accessory and a pawn to the mother’s life. She values herself 100x more than her kids. The cycle often repeats, where the daughters engage in the same slutty, poor behavior. And the sons either become thugs or become omegas. Repeat ad nauseum.
  • Pity be upon those who get ensnared by these leeches

Pretty grim, pretty dark and if I was in a weak state of mind, i would allow this to mold my thoughts about how I am viewed by the world.Who knows. Am I going to sit here and pretend that it is an ideal situation? No. Does it get messy at times? Yep. Is this the most rewarding yet most difficult situation i have been in my entire life yes and yes. But let me tell you what i have learned being a single mother:

  • There is nothing I can’t face. Juggling work, after school programs, dinner, broken plumbing and a project on the economy and a dog and cat to tend to? I got this shit.
  • Only $25 left to last two weeks? watch me make some pretty fancy gourmet meals out of this. The skills I possess would put MacGuyver to shame.
  • I can wiggle my way to the front row of every performance, award ceremony and recital that makes the Flash look like a tortoise. After all, its my face in the crowd he looks for and I need to get pictures and its my voice he hears above everyone else cheering his name.
  • vascoI’m creative. What you need a Vasco De Gama costume or to be George Washington in 3 hours because you forgot to tell Mom? Sure thing! I live for this. Let me grab the sheets of the bed and some paint and needle and thread and Ive seen enough Project Runway unconventional challenges to make this work!
  • I give the best cuddles, hugs, kisses and support.
  • I’m really strong. insanely strong for being 5″4. With no one to help move couches, lift boxes or open pipes I’ve had to do it on my own. I’m like Xena The Princess Warrior over here
  • I can fix anything. Well almost. Thanks to Google i feel like i can do almost anything.
  • I’m resourceful.
  • I’m braver. Nothing intimidates me or scares me anymore. I’ll stand up and talk to a 6 ft man like a chihuahua does to a pit bull lolmeme

And I know that life has handed me a challenging situation but i honestly feel like this experience has helped me grow as a human. To evolve as a woman. And if someone can’t see that awesomeness and how my skill set can clearly enhance their life, than Sayanora Suckers! Me and mine will be just fine and I wouldn’t trade this adventure for all the Prince Charming kisses in the world. And if you have any doubt to how awesome our life is, please enjoy below ❤

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Go Big or Go Home

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Go Big or Go Home

machoSo I’m here at work, trying to pry my eyes open and make it through the day. I’ve only been here an hour. What did i do last night? Well it was Halloween Duh and in my house that means its bigger than Christmas. I left work 2 hours early just to prep, was dressed before my kid even made it home from school and then it was go time. We train for this night all year. Teaching ourselves to handle the sugary goodness by training and eating small amounts of candy leading up to the big day. Watching our steps on the FitBit to make sure we push a little harder because come this amazing night- its go time. This is not time for amateur hour at the Ruiz house. My son had about 22,000 steps on his last night. It’s enough to make a mother proud.

Keeping in tradition with our themed costumes, this year he chose WWE wrestlers for us. He wanted to go as Kane but with the outfit from 1999 Attitude Era days. Totally up for the challenge i scoured the internet and found articles of clothing worthy of such a feat and then spent an entire Sunday hand painting his costume. After he was all set and done, it was time for mine. I decided to pay homage to a childhood favorite fo mine and my brother Macho Man Randy Savage. I must say that im quite pleased with the outcome and all night – dads around my age kept shouting out their approval. Even though i was robbed in the neighborhood costume contest– it was clearly a popularity contest- i still feel like i left that night the victor.

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Now my body hurts and i think i need coffee intravenously pumped through my veins as all the magic was poured into last night. It is the one thing i live for all year, and the reason why is this: Halloween is the one holiday where you can let go and pretend. You can be anything you want and no judgment is passed. You don’t have to spend money on presents or feel left out if someone didn’t get you anything. We are all brought together by the common bond of candy and fun. There are no political or racial differences behind the mask and for one night we all join in for fun and laughter.

And as if the Halloween gods nodded in approval this morning i was given a teeny tiny little high-five from the Universe- in the form of a tweet. I saw that The Mindy Project was following me on Twitter. Why is that a big deal? Well she’s only an amazing writer and comedian and bad ass woman which frankly we need to celebrate more. But that was pretty cool and for today, I fully intend on acting like im better than anyone else here at work, because after all, I’m kind of a big deal 😉

big hat derby hat the mindy project mindy kaling mindy lahiri

And for your enjoyment….a little impersonation of the Late great Macho Man. You made our childhood better ❤

The Barren wasteland of Singledom

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lonelyI’m going to write about the difficulties of being 36 and a single mom. I know with so much going on in the world it seems as if this is a “first world” problem and maybe it is. lol

I find that being 36 and a single mom is a unique niche that is pretty hard to navigate. Thus the range of emotions i deal on a daily basis is pretty overwhelming. At 36 you are in the middle of people who have been married for eons or those on the verge of a divorce. You have friends who have children that are graduating high school and those who are just starting the baby process. A few of them have grandchildren already. Then there are the ones who are single with no children or newly divorced and ready to go out and re-invent themselves. I’m stuck in the middle.I personally have never been married and i navigate this gray area with my amazing 11 year old. I don’t necessarily belong in the married category, though i have all married friends because our children are the same age and the schedules and lifestyles click. I don’t belong in the completely single category because i have a child at home and I personally just don’t find clubbing and bar hopping appealing plus I’m not available at a moments notice when most people what to go out.

I call this are the Barren wasteland of Singeldom. In my situation, i find myself with many, many lonely moments. When my son goes away to visit his father, I’m often at home contemplating what to do. My marrieds (friends) have families and husbands so they just cant drop things to hang out. I don’t have truly single friends in my area so going out for a girls night is usually a no go. I often try to go out to see things or do something  but usually end up back at my home catching up on R rated movies that i cant watch when my kid is around. Normally its cool to have a few moments to myself because its far and few in-between as a single mom. But lately as the holidays come up my son is gone more with his dad and i find more and more moments alone. And ill tell you what, the loneliness has kicked in hard. It has scissor kicked me in the face and taken my joy.

Holidays are particularly hard. You have families that are getting together and the buzz of dinners, parties and gifts to be bought. Couples doing couple things. Babies being made and born because people are just in festive and happy moods. I wish i was one of those people.  I keep up the charades of happiness for my son and we plan activities and i secretly stash gifts in hidden places for him. I tell him that I’m happy that i don’t have to cook for Thanksgiving and that I’m going to just have a relaxing day to myself, so he doesn’t feel guilty that he’s spending his holiday with his father and can enjoy himself. I have friends that have invited me to their homes, lovingly with open arms but the truth is this year, the depression has sunken in and it hurts more to be around families during this time because i don’t have what they have. I am ashamed to say that my mood this season is Green with envy. (Please don’t get me wrong, i have a healthy wonderful son and he is more than enough joy in my life. I am grateful for that opportunity.)

I’m running out of steam right now, maybe when the warm sun comes back and the summer days kick in ill feel better. In the meantime i just have to find things to keep me occupied to fill the void- to fill that space that makes me feel like I’m being picked last to play kickball.

So if you have a person in your life who is in the “grey” area like me, don’t forget about them. Ive “chatted” with a few single parents on Facebook and the sentiment is the same. Here a a few things that can help:

  • Call and chat. Even if its for a few minutes. You have no idea how sometimes the phone doesn’t ring for days or people only call when they need a favor.
  • Invite them out. Even if you know that getting a sitter is difficult or that it will take some planning. Even though we cant just pick up and go it still feels nice to at least be invited and not feel forgotten.
  • Just hang out. Sometimes its great to just have a friend sit on the couch and chat with. It takes the pressure of having to get dressed and finding a sitter out and still makes the person feel loved.
  • If the kids are older, offer to take them to the store to buy a gift or a card for their mom or dad for the holidays or birthday or mothers/fathers day. You have no idea how a lot of times we don’t get anything for ourselves during these “special” times and we have to grin through it and it makes people feel worse
  • Just listen. Sometimes we need to gripe and cry and vent or tell someone (an adult) how we are excited about something.
  • Follow up. If we vent and cry and gripe or tell you something exciting follow up and see how we are doing.
  • Offer to babysit. Don’t always have them watch your children without reciprocating.

Those are just a few things. Anyone else have any ideas on how to help out a single parent? I’d love to hear how single parents cope with this feeling and how you combat the blues. Thanks for listening and I hope each and everyone of you have a wonderful week surrounded by so much joy, love, peace, laughter and happiness.