The date from a sub basement of Hell

leslieknope-list-spinster.gif
How i feel the Universe is looking at me

So remember how in my last post I said I hadn’t got to cross  a date from my adventure list before my birthday? Well be careful what you put out to the Universe guys- she has a funny sense of humor and a swift kick to the nuts coming when I get to meet her. I will pepper this post with gifs of Liz Lemon to drive it home- because its needed.

So as Universal humor would have it- i decided to give the POF app one more go around and lo and behold- someone who didn’t start off their intro with “Hey Gorgeous or some lewd comment- happened to catch my interest. This guy is funny and seemed smart and his intro to me led into some pretty cool conversations. So after a few days as it goes, it progressed to hey can i get your number and then texts follows. Now looking back maybe the fact that he wouldn’t call was a red flag- but at the time i figured it added to the anticipation of it all. So eventually he asked me to a date. My son – who is supportive and awesome said “Mom give him a  chance! Go on a date! You need a life outside of me!” Thanks soon to be 12 year old with the wisdom of Morgan Freeman’s version of God, i will go with your blessing. So of course the planning takes place- “what kind of food do you like? ” he asks. I say Nachos- because that day that was what i wanted and well i figure you might as well let people know your not a salad girl up front. And then he goes to say that there are lots of events going on around the city and mentions, music, festivals, plays etc. I quickly jump on the play idea – because two of my friends had just told me of Lin Manuels play In the Heights playing downtown Atlanta. We agree to a that idea, a lunch date and the matinee showing of the play.

Fast forward to Saturday, the crew has been notified of the date, my son is hanging out with his father and I am at the mall trying on outfits to find the perfect first date dress- one that says i didn’t try too hard but i care and was still pretty and ready for a lunch date on a Sunday afternoon. After texting 5 girlfriends (because this is what you do) an outfit was selected and home i went. Excited for a new adventure and hopefully meeting a nice person.

Cue Sunday morning- the sky has opened up and the rain is monsoon level. Mind you, it hasn’t rained this hard in Atlanta in months. I should have taken it as a subtle not so subtle foreshadowing of the literal shit storm that was about to happen. I had spent Saturday night straightening my hair and due to the storm i knew it would frizz so i had to wash it out to wear it curly. I really wanted to make a good impression and frizzy hair was the least of my worries. I brushed my teeth twice, put on my nice dress, painted my nails, shaved my legs, texted all the girls to let them know my status and then got ready to leave. Now pay attention because this goes to shit real fast from this point on. Go ahead and stop here, grab a snack, a drink go potty and return after this commercial break. Ill wait………

Good and comfy? Strap yourself in here we go. So i look outside and it is torrential down pour. I check the GPS and see that it will take me 35 minutes to get to Little 5 Points (a artsy part of Atlanta where they have cool shops and restaurants) We had agreed to meet a Junkmans daughter which is a cool landmark and walk around before the play which is just 3 miles away from Little 5. I send him a  quick text to let him know I’m on the way to the meeting spot and he texts back that he “should have figured out the timing on the train before the rain” Hmmm. The train? as in MARTA? now i have no issue with public transportation and i have my own car so I just shrug it off as maybe traffic sucks and he decided to train it. (Red flag #2) I drive over to the ATM and get some cash in case i need it – because I’m polite and figure its OK to pitch in on something for the first date since he taking me to a play and that’s expensive. Then i have a moment where i go “Waaaaaait a minute, the train doesn’t go to Little 5 points. and its raining- maybe hes gonna Uber it” I text him to ask. He responds with Im taking the train to Five Points- and we can walk from there – i say well i thought we were meeting in Little 5 ? He says “Aren’t they the same thing? and i respond with “Ummmmm no. One is an artsy part of Atlanta with murals and stuff the other one is where you go to buy bootleg purses and get robbed” (red flag #3) So my mistake, I assumed we were meeting at Little 5 not the latter – when in fact we were meeting at the place where people go to get shanked.

spinster

Traffic is bad so i decide- eff it- since I’m headed that way ill even the playing field and hop on the train myself and we can walk to the theater. I’m down for this adventure. This may turn out fun. I hope on the train and get to the Five points station and he calls and tells me that he sees me and to stay put. He comes around the corner and the first thing i hear out of his mouth is “oh you dressed fancy” (RF #4) I turn around to a handsome young man with a nice smile who decided to wear  beat up shoes, faded jeans with the pockets ripped (not ironically) a stretched out polo, a handful of chest hair peeking out, a cap and scruff on the face.Not exactly what I would consider first date dressing to a theater date. But fuck it. I say YOLO in my head and greet him with a smile and a hug. He says thank you for meeting him and that he was happy to see me. I smile and say the same and thank him for inviting me out on the date. He mentions how dressed up i am and i start to feel insecure- because I’m overdressed or hes under dressed either way i feel funny. He immediately asks me what i want to eat (RF #5) and I say i don’t know because i had a few ideas when i thought we were meeting at Little 5 and i don’t know whats around here. He suggests we walk in the direction of the theater and see whats en route. I look at my suede wedges and say OK sure. We walk up the street, now i need to remind you that this is a seedy part of Atlanta. Before we hit the first corner we have been offered the opportunity to buy kush and had a few guys size me up. I’m a tough girl so i just kind of keep walking. We walk up near a few restaurants and he says “Well, how about Arby’s or Moes” and I’m kinda like ummmm well no, lets keep walking. And then i think to myself- well maybe he spent a lot of money on the tickets – I’m cool with cheap lunch. So we walk 0ver to this tiny hole in the wall pizza place and I order a slice of pizza and a water. I’m trying to be mindful. We sit down and he immediately starts to talk. like A LOT. I chalk it up to nerves and smile, every now and then i try to ask a question, but he keeps talking. He mentions his time in the Coast Guard and i interject “Oh cool my Dad was in the Air Force…” and before i could finish my sentence  he says “Oh you mean the CHAIR FORCE”   (RF #6 OH.NO.YOU.DIDN’T.)

Shut-It-Down-That-Is-a-Dealbreaker-For-Liz-Lemon-On-30-Rock.gif Anyone who knows m knows i come from a strong military family and my dad served 26 years making fun of his branch is not cool. I mention my history he awkwardly laughs repeats the joke and I move on. I notice that the area has a lot of homeless people and i say to him that they have plans to redo the neighborhood and because of gentrification they will most likely push them out of the area. And i go into how my son and I volunteer with the homeless etc. He goes into making a joke about the homeless (Not cool and at this point I’m just going to stop counting red flags because it gets worse) I tell him that “We are all just one really bad day from being homeless and it could turn on the dime” he scoffs.  So we finish our meal and decide to walk towards the theater. I get excited because its closing day and i really want to see this play. We walk up and hes turned around and doesn’t know where to go, so i suggest the box office. I’m assuming he has the tickets at will call. We walk up and he hangs back behind me. So by then i kinda figured out that he didn’t get the tickets. No biggie. I can buy my own. I walk up to the table and find out they are sold out. I immediately deflate. He looks at me and says “Oh they are sold out? oh i didn’t think people would want to come see a play” Now in my head I’m like “Duuuuuude WTF? like i could have bought my ticket last week when we planned this, its closing night- of course they are sold out. So i give a gracious smile and walk out of the theater. (Also i need to let you know that in all instances i waited by the door for him to open it for me – because I’m all about chivalry but this is something hes not used to doing so it was awkward but more on manners in a sec.

We get outside and he says “Well what do you want to do?” and I stare blankly and then say “well we can still have a nice time, I’m always indoors, lets stroll through the city and chat” trying to hide my disappointment.  He makes a half hearted joke about hating to walk around and suggests we go to Starbucks. We literally ate like 15 minutes prior. I am too full to drink coffee- because of my surgery) I smile and say “No thank you that I’m full” hes hell bent on getting coffee so i say OK.

As we are leaving, two very enthusiastic college kids come up to us and ask if we are registered to vote. I get a little excited because I love when younger people are involved. i smile and say Yes and then go to ask them how they got involved – because i love meeting new people. He interrupts and says “So you guys are helping elect two geriatrics?!” and some other shit the kids walk off and he yells out after them “So are you guys voting for Trump?!” the girl turns around and says “We cant disclose who we are voting for we are just trying to get people registered” and he yells out the geriatrics thing again. He then laughs and says “I don’t even know if I’m registered to vote” I look at him and say “You were in the coast guard and you don’t know if your registered to vote?” he replies with “Ive never voted” a big hmmmm crosses my lips. I mean fine, vote don’t vote, but how can you enlist in the military and not care who your boss is? Liz-Lemon-Bites-Her-Tongue-In-Restraint-On-30-Rock.gif

So i keep walking – now one of the things that i have become accustomed to because Mama’s and Papas have raised nice men is that when you are walking in the company of a lady- Men usually walk on the outside and the women walk on the inside- away from the street. This guy kept walking on the inside and when i would try to move to the inside- he would somehow find his way there. I even manged to graciously think- well maybe he just was never taught basic manners. My son even knows this. As we are walking a homeless man walks up to us and says excuse me. I smile and say hello and he asks for 25 cents. I don’t have any change, but my date reaches into his pocket for a quarter and just as i think maybe hes about to redeem himself he decides to toss the quarter to the man rather than hand it to him. The quarter falls on the ground the homeless guy looks at him like “WTF really dude? its bad enough i have to ask for a quarter but now i have to crawl on the ground to get it” My mouth drops open and i say “I’m so sorry sir” I’m about to die from shame and I didn’t even do it. My date laughs and says “That made me look like an asshole huh?” i respond with “Total Asshole behavior” he then says “But if he would have caught it it would have been cool” and i respond dryly with “So its his fault he totally ruined your Pespi moment?” We keep walking- towards the train because at this point Ive decided I need to go home- i just haven’t said it. He suggests we walk into the Underground Shopping center in search of coffee.  I respond with “Fine, because god forbid you don’t get into air conditioning and get coffee since you have been complaining about walking for the last 1/4 mile” meanwhile Ive not complained and I’m in heels. So we go to the damn mall no coffee we leave. I decide to sit for a second because my feet are starting to hurt and there is a woman playing the piano outside. I think, wow this sounds beautiful and i take in the air and listen to her play. He decides to make fun of the piano player. Sigh. A girl who looks lost walks up to us and asks if she could use our phone to call because she lost her group. He looks at her like she has 3 heads.I reach into my purse and hand the girl my phone. Really, this isn’t the neighborhood to be lost or walking around as a female by yourself. She makes her call and I ask her if she found them and if shes going to be OK. She nervously smiles and says yes and walks away. My date looks at me and says why don’t we get on the train and go north towards where you are and see whats going on over there. I’m all like “Whatever gets me to this fucking train- in my head” I smile and say sure. Now about two stops in he decides we should get off the train and go get coffee. Yes again with the fucking coffee. We get off in an even seedier neighborhood and hes walking around with his face buried in the GPS and i realize all kinds of people are looking at us. We look out of place and I’m overdressed. I start to walk away as this man is yelling at us and approaching us very quickly. He says “So your just walking off?” and i say very discreetly- do yo not see that man approaching us yelling angrily? I’m not trying to get robbed and you look like a mark. Like everything about you says- go ahead and rob my ass” So he realizes the coffee shop isn’t around the corner and is in fact an 11 minute walk away. There are so many fucking nopes at this time and a text S.O.S goes out to my homegirl Annie- who quickly calls to make sure I’m OK. I then turn to the date and said “I’m not walking 11 minutes in these shoes for coffee” he then makes fun of my shoes – like i knew they were going to hurt. And i say, well i wasn’t prepared for all this trapeezing up and down Atlanta i thought we were going to lunch and play” so i start to head down the stairs to the train station- because I’m over this fucking MARTA date. He follows me down. We sit and i see that the train in 20 minutes away and i say nicely that i appreciate lunch but i need to head back now. He starts talking about the differences between Ju-Jitsu and Judo. I plaster my face with a beauty queen smile and my brain shuts down. On occasion i say Oh, or Ah or really- because I don’t want to be completely rude. Someone elses lack of  manners should not make me lose mine. The train pulls up and he rides  with me my stop. I say OK and thank you.

Annie save.gif
Thanks for the save call Annie!

Now the train is at capacity because of festivals and we sit down beside this woman who is laughing and talking to herself and anyone that will look at her and shes eating candy. Like she has a giant purse full of all kinds of candy. This is public transportation- so you never know who you will run into and its kinda fun under the right situation. Now this man gets on the train and his hands are full and the only seat available is next to the candy lady, hes dressed in a nice suit, has a nice watch. Candy lady is wearing scrubs and looks like she just got off of work. He decides to stand even though his hands are full. The candy lady yells out to the man “Sweetheart or something, come sit next to me ” and she pats the seat, she says his hands are full and he should sit. The man smiles says thank you and he sits down. She rubs his back and asks him if he would like some candy.He says yes and they have a warm moment. It was like one of those FB videos that make you feel warm inside because no matter where we’ve been in life- a little kindness goes a long way. If i could i would have “liked” that moment all over the place. I look over at my date and he starts to make fun of the candy lady and i say “Did you miss what happened? That was so kind and sweet” and he makes another joke about “situational” comedy. My ride comes to an end and I say “thank you for lunch and for meeting me” he stands up. Goes in for a hug and i say “fuck it Ive gone this far- and hug him back. I wave goodbye and high tail it down the stairs out of the train station. But before I’m at the bottom of the stairs my phone buzzes and i look and he has texted me the smiley face emoji with the heart eyes. I’m sorry- what? was he on the same fucking date? I haul ass out to the car and send the mass text to the girls that I am alive and the date is over. He also send me a Hey smiley face emoji late last night.Liz-Lemon-Cries-All-Alone-As-Usual.gif

Guys, i wish i could say this is just a creative writing experience. That this was inspired by the Emmy’s last night. But alas it was not. My first official “date” since 2003 and my first “official date” since i left my ex. i don’t count Mr. Big as date because he never really took me anywhere- it was situationship. And with that I am taking a break. I don’t want to do this for a while. My son asked as soon as i walked into the door and the look of astonishment on his face was priceless. We had a good laugh- and even though i may not be lucky in love- please know that i have trained my son to be chivalrous and his wife will appreciate it.

Here’s to the rest of birthday week. Salud!

 liz-lemon-30-rock-fresh-hell-tina.gif

Summer Hiatus- Fall is upon us

pinkSo I suck. I haven’t posted on here in a couple of months because, well, life happens. It happens at full force or at warped speeds and then you get caught up in the whirlwind of it all. I had some highs and lows and honestly like all people just didn’t feel like chatting it up.

So whats happened? Ended a friendship that was near and dear to my heart. No drama, that’s not who I am but it was just time to realize that it wasn’t helping me grow, in fact when i assessed it i realized i had been sitting in stagnate water for quite some time. So I wished it well and set it off in the wind. Then my amazing sweet wonderful boy started 6th grade! A stressful time for both mom and kid as we ventured into uncharted territory. I’m happy to say that this year so far has been very positive. Last year we were dealing with racial issues at the school and bus bullies. This year hes rating it a solid 8 out of 10. Hes playing chess, playing basketball, started to learn the Tuba and trying to get into the robotics club as we speak. Oh and he’s embraced his heritage finally- and is learning to speak Spanish at school. Kid for the win!

rico
One of our hikes. Happy Kid
mic-hike
He hated this hike- as you can tell by his face. This was the one where he may or may not have found the formula for teleportation
hiking-mic
Mom forces a smile out of him
tuba-mic
I am the lucky mom who gets to hear tuba practice

I think in life we get so caught up n the day to day activities and stress and before you know it another month has gone by, I’m sitting here 1 week away from my 37th birthday. Or as i am now going to refer to it Leveling up. It makes it sound like Ive accomplished something rather than turning a year older. I finished level 36! I’m leveling up to 37! BAM! Denise for the win- Cue the Mario music with the flagpole! life

For a moment though i was a little discouraged. i had initially started this blog as an adventure to myself and the gift was to complete 36 new things. I gave it a good try and at first i thought i failed because -i maybe got to 15 at best. When i challenged myself to this i didn’t take into account money or life emergencies or motivation into consideration. In this year alone i have had things break in the house a few times, a surgery, a few kid and pet emergencies and just the realization that I am a single mom with a limited expendable income and a wild imagination. But when i really started to look at it- i will consider this a success. I went in with an open heart. I learned that sometimes it just takes a tiny push to do something new. Even though i still didn’t make it to have a date – i did learn that I’m OK with being by myself and getting my life in order and that there are so many adventures to be had that do not include a mate. I learned how to make new friends and start conversations with strangers.  I learned that i really do like hiking – my son does not. In fact as we were on our most recent hike he said he was trying to figure out how to develop teleportation so we could see the waterfall and be done with it.Oh kids. lol

 

I learned that in a crisis I’m pretty great at handling things with finesse. I learned that i have the most beautiful support system. Friends from all over the world who genuinely cheer for me and Michael and will offer help to see us succeed. i learned that sometimes you have to just ask for help and people will help. I learned i don’t have to carry my burdens alone.  In this year of self discovery- that i was focusing on the outside- meaning what can i do to make myself more interesting- i realized the real adventure was making the inside more interesting. I decided to no longer apologize for my existence or space or how i think. I decided that when i feel bad that if i serve others or volunteer i feel better and i like helping. I learned that my kid thinks i can handle anything and that hes rarely stressed because Mama has it covered – which honestly is a good feeling when your a single mom. I often wonder if the kid is giving me side-eye because i have no idea what I’m doing but learned that hes OK and that’s more than i can ask for.

So what I’m going to do in my last week of 36 is just be still. Just be quiet and take it all in. Listen to the breeze, smile at the sun and just enjoy being. I have another year to keep growing and that’s going to be the best adventure of them all.

Go out and be awesome ❤

killin-it

 

Confessions of an A-hole

sarcasm So I think every now and then you have to sit back and take an honest assessment of self. Like you know ask the real tough questions you know need to be asked and answered but you avoid and watch YouTube videos about cats instead. They may range from “Can i really pull off faux leather leggings to Should I be worried that I find it better to sit at home then having to interact with people?”

It’s no secret I’m a single mom- duh that’s the name of the blog. And my friends will affectionately joke that “I get sick of people sometimes” – and to clarify I have had most of my friends for over 20 years so my sickness of people really just applies to newbies. Ive been officially single since 2013 and life is good now. My son and I have a groove, a routine. We know when the other needs a little space. We get along great. He’s the perfect roommate lol except he doesn’t pay bills and I have to feed him, clothe him and nurture him.

I often express that I am worried that the more I live alone and get used to being alone that I may not be any good as a mate. Ive grown used to doing what I want when I want. Ive developed and interesting new tic- called Honesty. And its the type of Honesty sprinkled with a dash of humor and a little color. For example, instead of saying “Hey maybe you should take this breath mint?” I tend to say things like “Hey eat this breath mint, its smells like death all up in there” or instead of “that person is getting on my nerves” i say “Every time she speaks i want to commit a crime”. I also tend to pepper in under breath comments when people say stupid things. Its not that I’m mean, its that I have a very low tolerance for B.S and I literally tend to just say whats on my mind. Its like there is very little filter left and that concerns me.  I feel that living alone, and the longer I live alone the stronger my Assholiness gets.

I find that the older I get I just kinda say whats on my mind and I am numb the reactions around me. Now don’t get me wrong I wont put people down or be mean about body, race, religion, sexual orientation or important things like that. No, mine are more comments under the breath to people who’s elevator doesn’t reach the top and make me wonder how they mange to survive this long. See? I just did it.

That being said, I need to learn to adult or be more feminine or soft or some shit like that. I need to use “Bless her heart” and leave it at that, not follow it with “Bless her heart, her mama must have drank through her entire pregnancy” I need someone to follow me around with a Red light and just as I am about to push that person over the imaginary cliff- it needs to light up and be like “Stop it right there” I feel like at 36 I am taking my 86 year old lady liberties too early. I always said i was going to be the old lady that didn’t give a shit, I just didn’t think that my day would come so early.

So it brings me back to my main concern. Do I lack the people skills to effectively communicate with another human being without an eye roll or my acerbic wit shining bright like a diamond?

What made me think of this you ask? Well, let me tell you. I downloaded a new dating app called Bumble. I found a match and he liked me so we began chatting. This is a big deal because literally the dating situation is so dire and desolate that I’m starting to feel like that town in Russia where the nuclear plant exploded. What was that place? Oh yeah Chernobyl. My dating life is like effing Chernobyl. Anyway this morning Mr. Kayak (what i will refer to him based on my fav pic) asked for my number. Sweeeet! This is progress. Of course you can have my number Mr. Kayak… doot doot doot. (Thats the sound of me sending him my number….play along) Anyway he sends the Hey text, i Heeeey back. he answers back that He’s just hanging out on the couch. I say something along the line of “oooh lucky, I’m stuck at work” Now before I tell you how the conversation hit shit town from this- I will say that I have been SO SO careful when responding to any questions and holding myself back from my sarcasm because it does not translate well to a stranger or over text. I need you guys to understand that every response was read over and over before I hit send. I also need to remind my new readers who do not know me in real life that I tend to weed through bull crap really fast and one of my favorite things is to call people out when they are being inappropriate or condescending. Its a sport really. Another thing about me is that I have been so badly hurt in the past that I am pretty guarded as far as letting people occupy the space that is my heart. Add to the fact that I’m a single mom who wants to make sure I make the right choice for me and my child and my propensity for B.S is literally at a negative. That being said you must understand that I am literally walking around guns loaded, scared shitless and using my sarcasm to fill in the gaps where I don’t know what to say.

So back to how I ruined the chances with Mr. Kayak by the third text. Back to the couch text right? “Oooh how lucky blah blah blah” to which he responds “You could curl up to me” to which I give an eye roll so big that it could have literally caused a Tsunami that messed up Eco systems for years to come. Corny as hell right? I also then have like forty-leven red flags (or the crazies) pop up and go- ugh I know where this convo is gonna go- cue the d!&* pics and some stupid sexual innuendo. So i wait, slightly annoyed (poor guy does not know what is coming) And I playfully respond with the this meme0cb50b50f5171b37d36c01cffcc98253.jpgfollowed by “How about I learn your last name or basic info before we go straight to couch cuddles.” Followed by LOL Because Lol makes it OK right? Its like a text band aid  right? “Your mothers a whore!” is insulting but “Your mothers a whore LOL!” is OK right? OK maybe not. Maybe LOL isn’t the magic band aid that I thought. My bad.

So anyway Mr. Kayak takes a minute to respond and says he was just trying to be sweet. Followed by an “Oh Well” followed by his last name. I instantly feel bad, but part of me feels that its important to get across that No shenanigans will be had this early with this girl. Its a shenanigan free zone. I’m not the one to send pics of myself naked or sext or things like that. I’m raising a hopeful future president or Nobel peace prize winner and I need to make sure my life does not mess his up. Though this blog may have done that. (Meh another topic for another time) anyway I don’t want to get into a situation where I’m looked at for just a good time. I’m actually very smart and interested in current events and pop culture…..and I just realized if anyone is looking for a Trivia partner I’m your girl. Anyway texting pretty much came to a halt after that and I tried some friendly text to let him know i was being playful. But I got ghosted. I’m OK. (in case anyone was wondering) but I’m wondering if the bigger problem is me. I want someone who thinks I’m smart and wants to have conversations about smart things.  I feel the need to quote the amazing Tina Fay as Liz Lemon in 30 Rock:

Liz: “I want someone who will be monogamous and nice to his mother. And I want someone who likes musicals, but knows to just shut his mouth when I’m watching LOST. And I want someone who thinks being really into cars is lame and strip clubs are gross. I want someone who will actually empty the dishwasher instead of just taking out forks, as needed, like I do. I want someone with clean hands and feet and beefy forearms like a damn Disney prince. And I want him to genuinely like me even when I’m old. And that’s what I want.”

Except add that I would also like him to like my acerbic wit and my sarcasms and to think that my ass-holiness is endearing. I feel like I have been out of the game so long – circa 2003 that I don’t know how to do this. How to be soft and feminine and attract a decent human being and then actually want to hang out with them and do couply things. And then I just think- meh whats on Hulu? and make some popcorn- cuz i kinda don’t mind the silence and Ive never been a soft cuddly feminine gal and I’m good with that. Until then please understand if were gonna be friends that :

star wars

Single Girl Problems

A good friend of mine with an equally effed up personality and sense of humor as me came across this little gem and tagged me on it. I laughed so hard at my desk at work and wrote back to him that i didn’t know if I should feel loved that he tagged me or feel sad that he thought of me and knew I could relate. I wanted to share a few of my favorite pictures from the article but please check out the post in its entirety at Single Girl Problems

I have realized that in life you have to have a sense of humor about most things. Thinking humorously about things really makes the time go by smoother and it doesn’t weigh on you as much. I like to think of laughter as a fun, umbrella drink that you order because of the taste and sometimes it knocks you out of your seat.  I have been officially single for about 2 1/2 years, its so noticeable that my 11 year old son actually brought it up last night while we were in the car driving home. He asked me out of the blue “What ever happened to you trying to get an online date” and I replied “Well, I tried and it didn’t go so well, not really getting any hits” then in his 11 year old wisdom he replies “Wow that sounds real sad, like you should be depressed” and I said ” well damn, no I’m not depressed (this week), I have a really good life and its not all summed up by whether or not someone likes me” and he said “Well, yeah but it sounds a little sad”. I should have been a little bummed but in honesty I wasn’t and then I laughed that I raised a child that is comfortable enough to be open with me and speak with such candor. Mom win. Totally- even if my son thinks that temporarily I’m a loser.

I did question myself the other day as i was shaving and thought- meh no one is gonna see this…and then I thought No ma’am, if you let this go, whats next? What if I am randomly driving down the street and I get rear ended by some tall dark and handsome man who then falls in love with my acerbic wit immediately and wants to whisk me away on an impromptu vacation and then coyly touches my leg and to his horror and mine, my hairy legs get tangled in his watch… Not likely to happen. However just for funsies I’ll shave the legs and the whatnot’s. You just never know.

In the meantime, I’ll pass the time with my friends who share in my laughter and like to poke fun at me. They are the best anyway. Like a good shot of tequila after a bad day

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Barren wasteland of Singledom

lonelyI’m going to write about the difficulties of being 36 and a single mom. I know with so much going on in the world it seems as if this is a “first world” problem and maybe it is. lol

I find that being 36 and a single mom is a unique niche that is pretty hard to navigate. Thus the range of emotions i deal on a daily basis is pretty overwhelming. At 36 you are in the middle of people who have been married for eons or those on the verge of a divorce. You have friends who have children that are graduating high school and those who are just starting the baby process. A few of them have grandchildren already. Then there are the ones who are single with no children or newly divorced and ready to go out and re-invent themselves. I’m stuck in the middle.I personally have never been married and i navigate this gray area with my amazing 11 year old. I don’t necessarily belong in the married category, though i have all married friends because our children are the same age and the schedules and lifestyles click. I don’t belong in the completely single category because i have a child at home and I personally just don’t find clubbing and bar hopping appealing plus I’m not available at a moments notice when most people what to go out.

I call this are the Barren wasteland of Singeldom. In my situation, i find myself with many, many lonely moments. When my son goes away to visit his father, I’m often at home contemplating what to do. My marrieds (friends) have families and husbands so they just cant drop things to hang out. I don’t have truly single friends in my area so going out for a girls night is usually a no go. I often try to go out to see things or do something  but usually end up back at my home catching up on R rated movies that i cant watch when my kid is around. Normally its cool to have a few moments to myself because its far and few in-between as a single mom. But lately as the holidays come up my son is gone more with his dad and i find more and more moments alone. And ill tell you what, the loneliness has kicked in hard. It has scissor kicked me in the face and taken my joy.

Holidays are particularly hard. You have families that are getting together and the buzz of dinners, parties and gifts to be bought. Couples doing couple things. Babies being made and born because people are just in festive and happy moods. I wish i was one of those people.  I keep up the charades of happiness for my son and we plan activities and i secretly stash gifts in hidden places for him. I tell him that I’m happy that i don’t have to cook for Thanksgiving and that I’m going to just have a relaxing day to myself, so he doesn’t feel guilty that he’s spending his holiday with his father and can enjoy himself. I have friends that have invited me to their homes, lovingly with open arms but the truth is this year, the depression has sunken in and it hurts more to be around families during this time because i don’t have what they have. I am ashamed to say that my mood this season is Green with envy. (Please don’t get me wrong, i have a healthy wonderful son and he is more than enough joy in my life. I am grateful for that opportunity.)

I’m running out of steam right now, maybe when the warm sun comes back and the summer days kick in ill feel better. In the meantime i just have to find things to keep me occupied to fill the void- to fill that space that makes me feel like I’m being picked last to play kickball.

So if you have a person in your life who is in the “grey” area like me, don’t forget about them. Ive “chatted” with a few single parents on Facebook and the sentiment is the same. Here a a few things that can help:

  • Call and chat. Even if its for a few minutes. You have no idea how sometimes the phone doesn’t ring for days or people only call when they need a favor.
  • Invite them out. Even if you know that getting a sitter is difficult or that it will take some planning. Even though we cant just pick up and go it still feels nice to at least be invited and not feel forgotten.
  • Just hang out. Sometimes its great to just have a friend sit on the couch and chat with. It takes the pressure of having to get dressed and finding a sitter out and still makes the person feel loved.
  • If the kids are older, offer to take them to the store to buy a gift or a card for their mom or dad for the holidays or birthday or mothers/fathers day. You have no idea how a lot of times we don’t get anything for ourselves during these “special” times and we have to grin through it and it makes people feel worse
  • Just listen. Sometimes we need to gripe and cry and vent or tell someone (an adult) how we are excited about something.
  • Follow up. If we vent and cry and gripe or tell you something exciting follow up and see how we are doing.
  • Offer to babysit. Don’t always have them watch your children without reciprocating.

Those are just a few things. Anyone else have any ideas on how to help out a single parent? I’d love to hear how single parents cope with this feeling and how you combat the blues. Thanks for listening and I hope each and everyone of you have a wonderful week surrounded by so much joy, love, peace, laughter and happiness.

1000+ views!

10001000 VIEWS!! I cant believe it! I really want to just thank each of you for taking time out of your day to visit my blog. Ive always wanted to write and it took a leap of courage to do this and to have it received so well warms my heart. I’m hoping that i wont let you down and as i grow in spirit and strength that the website also reflects that.

I’m amazed that something that started off so small has reached so many people. Take a look at this map! These are all the countries that have heard my heart and read my words. In places i only dreamed of visiting, in a way a part of me has been there through you. So again Thank you!

views

countriesAnd i did want to leave  you with this.

quote-dream-do

Go out and be AWESOME

<3,

Denise

Awesome Parent Shout Out- Heather

Name: Heather PHeather

Kids Call Me: Mom

Funniest Parenting Moment: Owen was sitting in a bubble bath at age 2 and got really still so i asked him if he was peeing in the tub and he said no and started playing again. Then he got really still again and i said are you pooping in the bathtub and he said no. I said well what are you doing. He stood up and was holding his family jewels and said mom, i have eggs in my pee pee! So i called my mom for some help on how to handle and she says “Tell him the Easter Bunny brought them!” LOL

Most difficult time being a parent: I made the decision to leave my kids’ father when they were very young, knowing it was going to put a burden on them for the rest of their lives. I deal with the struggle daily when they are upset about the split custody. We have 50/50 custody so i only see them every other week and it is very hard coming to grips with missing half of my children’s lives.

Advice: All that space those babies took up inside of you while you were pregnant never goes away. It just gets filled with guilt…I know all of you mom’s feel this way constantly. We have to give ourselves a break and know that we are doing the best we can. We’ll never be perfect moms, but if love counts…I know 100% I’m winning.

The lonliness is what makes this hard.

loneliness-quote-13l

I’m just gonna put it out there. The majority of times I feel lonely. Its hard. It hits the hardest when you are alone at night in a big old house that is suddenly quiet and the noise that you use to keep you from realizing you are lonely suddenly stops. It’s when your head hits the pillow and a million thoughts start rushing in. Don’t get me wrong being a mother is fulfilling in ways I would have never imagined. I’m grateful to have one of the coolest human beings attached to my soul for this life. He’s awesome. And I have a great family (who lives far away) we talk daily and they are equally supportive. I also have amazing friends and co-workers to fill up the majority of my time. But there’s something missing. The camaraderie of a partner to go through all of life’s shenanigans and laugh with at the end of the day because that’s what life is- One big hilarious adventure. Someone to unwind with at the end of the night over a binge watch session and popcorn and a tall glass of something soothing. Someone who will look at me and call me on my b.s or remind me with a laugh that I am being utterly ridiculous. It’s that connection that I miss. I miss an adult best friend who wants to be with me and journey through life.   Now i know all too well from personal experience that having a partner does not equal instant happiness. I spent the better part of almost a decade with someone who felt they were being obligated to their familial responsibilities and hated me for it. I paid for that everyday through hateful words, withholding of affection, emotional punishment etc. I know the other side of hell just fine. But i still crave a connection.

It is something that has eluded me the majority of my adulthood. I have lived in the proverbial friend zone hell for as long as there has been a place to be banished to. So many times I have fallen head over heels in love with someone only to be told over and over again that “Id be perfect if they were in the place to date” or ” You would make a perfect wife for someone one day….but” or “you are my Best friend” “I’m not ready but we can still hang out” At least I know if all else fails I make a helluva bestie.

I don’t want this blog to turn into my quest for a relationship. There is so much more to me then the thirst for a companion. But I had to put it out here because one of the Adventures is to go on a date. I’ve been on the sites and have been unceremoniously introduced to “Ghosting” which is where they text you like crazy, show interest and without warning suddenly drop off the face of the earth. And you sit there replaying conversations or re-reading text messages to find some clue where you somehow came off “weird or needy or f#$ked it all up” but you don’t see anything stand out, your girlfriends even help you comb through to make sure you didn’t muck it up and nothing. You’ve just been “Ghosted” it’s a thing. It’s a sucky thing. I welcome constructive criticism. Let me know if I’m too needy, too loud, not your type physically, too this too that. Not because I feel the need to people please but because if it a valid and educated reason I always welcome the opportunity to grow and better myself.

I was talking to a few women in a Single Moms Group on FB last night and the feeling is mutual all around, We are all parents of amazing kids and yet at night we clutch the empty space in our heart and wonder where it all went wrong. I asked for help last night ideas on how to cope with the loneliness and we all came up with different things but things we are already doing. We use work, kids, TV, Food, working out to keep the silence from seeping in. We send silent blessings to couples and families walking out together in the street because we hope they enjoy that happiness forever and never have to feel what we feel. That pang of rushing home in excitement to share a story, a hug or a laugh. For some of us it has been a long time since we have even felt human touch aside from our babies. I would sell my soul to have someone hold my hand right now. This isn’t even about sex. Sex is easy. You can find anyone to sleep with. But to get someone to actually want to spend that other time with you that’s the hard part. I just feel like I’m the last kid getting picked to play kickball and it sucks and I had to get it off my chest so I wouldn’t go mad. Plus its part of the challenge of this blog and adventure. Getting out of my comfort zone. And writing about how lonely I feel at times is a vulnerable as it gets. – Go out and give free hugs people ❤

Oh Snap! Adventure #1 just got real!

snap

Oh Snap! So as you guys may remember that Adventure #1 was to join a dating site and go on a real date. So just as a refresh i joined Coffee Meets Bagels and they send you one match a day based on your social media accounts and stuff. It was looking dismal until the other day i came across a profile and the guy had a literal Monkey on his back. I know that it sounds crazy but i laughed and with the helpful prodding of my best good friend Joann- we hit LIKE and then the waiting begins, because how it works is then my picture is put into his rotation and if he likes me then it will open up a chat window and we can begin communication, If he PASSES then nothing happens and I don’t get random d!%k pics in my e-mail. Which BTW if you are a male reading this-   that is never a good idea Bro. I don’t care what your friends tell you.

So i woke up this morning to a nice intro e-mail from him. Right off the bat he mentions my kid so that s cool. He didn’t graze over the fact that I’m a single mom. Pressure of bringing that up is gone. So now the hilariousness ensues as I mention it to my Awesome kid as we are waiting for the school bus

Me: Dude, you know the first adventure was me getting on a dating site

Amazing Kid: Yeah

Me: well i totally got a hit. Meaning he sent me a message. what do you think?

AK: Cool. I think you should answer back?

Me: really? you don’t think that’s weird?

AK: No whats weird is that….whens the last time you went on a date?

Me:…uh….does your dad count? i mean he took me out on my  birthday.

AK: OK No, what about before i was born?

Me: Uh your Dad before you were born

AK: Uh OK lets take Daddy out of the equation. Anybody before Dad? Anyone you went on a second date with?

Me: I mean…no second dates…uh i mean nothing formal it was more like hangouts

AK: Woooooow that’s pretty sad. I mean your life is pretty cool but the dating part is SAAAAAAD. Ok let me see a picture

Me: (whips out the app show the kid the pictures)

AK: HA! He has a monkey on his back- hahahaha. Heeeey that looks like me when ill be 40!

Me: Eeew. lol OK maybe but eeeew. Not what you say.

AK: Ok so if he asks you on a date, you should go. Ill go far away

Me: far away?! wth there’s no need for that.

AK: I mean ill get a babysitter or go hang out

Me: Oh. Yeah. that  (BTW the fact that my kid say he’ll find HIMSELF a babysitter should give you insight to the type of mini human I have been given by the great universe)

He then makes a joke about how we should freak my dates out and i join in with ideas until we are both in hysterics and then the bus pulls up. Man i love the $h!t out of this kid lol. So fast forward to me arriving at work. I answered him back just a quick hello e-mail and now we wait….

**Also for those that are new to the convos of me and AK. I know that this convo may seem a little inappropriate to have with your child. However me and AK have always been very open with each other. I am not trying to be his friend and I’m very much a Mom with the line drawn. However he likes to keep it real and does not like surprises. Plus i value his opinion on most things and hes pretty smart. You’ll see as the conversations go on – the dynamic we have. So please no bashing. remember this is for funsies. And if he needs therapy when he gets older i will gladly step up and pay the bill 😉