Category Archives: star wars

Confessions of an A-hole

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sarcasm So I think every now and then you have to sit back and take an honest assessment of self. Like you know ask the real tough questions you know need to be asked and answered but you avoid and watch YouTube videos about cats instead. They may range from “Can i really pull off faux leather leggings to Should I be worried that I find it better to sit at home then having to interact with people?”

It’s no secret I’m a single mom- duh that’s the name of the blog. And my friends will affectionately joke that “I get sick of people sometimes” – and to clarify I have had most of my friends for over 20 years so my sickness of people really just applies to newbies. Ive been officially single since 2013 and life is good now. My son and I have a groove, a routine. We know when the other needs a little space. We get along great. He’s the perfect roommate lol except he doesn’t pay bills and I have to feed him, clothe him and nurture him.

I often express that I am worried that the more I live alone and get used to being alone that I may not be any good as a mate. Ive grown used to doing what I want when I want. Ive developed and interesting new tic- called Honesty. And its the type of Honesty sprinkled with a dash of humor and a little color. For example, instead of saying “Hey maybe you should take this breath mint?” I tend to say things like “Hey eat this breath mint, its smells like death all up in there” or instead of “that person is getting on my nerves” i say “Every time she speaks i want to commit a crime”. I also tend to pepper in under breath comments when people say stupid things. Its not that I’m mean, its that I have a very low tolerance for B.S and I literally tend to just say whats on my mind. Its like there is very little filter left and that concerns me.  I feel that living alone, and the longer I live alone the stronger my Assholiness gets.

I find that the older I get I just kinda say whats on my mind and I am numb the reactions around me. Now don’t get me wrong I wont put people down or be mean about body, race, religion, sexual orientation or important things like that. No, mine are more comments under the breath to people who’s elevator doesn’t reach the top and make me wonder how they mange to survive this long. See? I just did it.

That being said, I need to learn to adult or be more feminine or soft or some shit like that. I need to use “Bless her heart” and leave it at that, not follow it with “Bless her heart, her mama must have drank through her entire pregnancy” I need someone to follow me around with a Red light and just as I am about to push that person over the imaginary cliff- it needs to light up and be like “Stop it right there” I feel like at 36 I am taking my 86 year old lady liberties too early. I always said i was going to be the old lady that didn’t give a shit, I just didn’t think that my day would come so early.

So it brings me back to my main concern. Do I lack the people skills to effectively communicate with another human being without an eye roll or my acerbic wit shining bright like a diamond?

What made me think of this you ask? Well, let me tell you. I downloaded a new dating app called Bumble. I found a match and he liked me so we began chatting. This is a big deal because literally the dating situation is so dire and desolate that I’m starting to feel like that town in Russia where the nuclear plant exploded. What was that place? Oh yeah Chernobyl. My dating life is like effing Chernobyl. Anyway this morning Mr. Kayak (what i will refer to him based on my fav pic) asked for my number. Sweeeet! This is progress. Of course you can have my number Mr. Kayak… doot doot doot. (Thats the sound of me sending him my number….play along) Anyway he sends the Hey text, i Heeeey back. he answers back that He’s just hanging out on the couch. I say something along the line of “oooh lucky, I’m stuck at work” Now before I tell you how the conversation hit shit town from this- I will say that I have been SO SO careful when responding to any questions and holding myself back from my sarcasm because it does not translate well to a stranger or over text. I need you guys to understand that every response was read over and over before I hit send. I also need to remind my new readers who do not know me in real life that I tend to weed through bull crap really fast and one of my favorite things is to call people out when they are being inappropriate or condescending. Its a sport really. Another thing about me is that I have been so badly hurt in the past that I am pretty guarded as far as letting people occupy the space that is my heart. Add to the fact that I’m a single mom who wants to make sure I make the right choice for me and my child and my propensity for B.S is literally at a negative. That being said you must understand that I am literally walking around guns loaded, scared shitless and using my sarcasm to fill in the gaps where I don’t know what to say.

So back to how I ruined the chances with Mr. Kayak by the third text. Back to the couch text right? “Oooh how lucky blah blah blah” to which he responds “You could curl up to me” to which I give an eye roll so big that it could have literally caused a Tsunami that messed up Eco systems for years to come. Corny as hell right? I also then have like forty-leven red flags (or the crazies) pop up and go- ugh I know where this convo is gonna go- cue the d!&* pics and some stupid sexual innuendo. So i wait, slightly annoyed (poor guy does not know what is coming) And I playfully respond with the this meme0cb50b50f5171b37d36c01cffcc98253.jpgfollowed by “How about I learn your last name or basic info before we go straight to couch cuddles.” Followed by LOL Because Lol makes it OK right? Its like a text band aid  right? “Your mothers a whore!” is insulting but “Your mothers a whore LOL!” is OK right? OK maybe not. Maybe LOL isn’t the magic band aid that I thought. My bad.

So anyway Mr. Kayak takes a minute to respond and says he was just trying to be sweet. Followed by an “Oh Well” followed by his last name. I instantly feel bad, but part of me feels that its important to get across that No shenanigans will be had this early with this girl. Its a shenanigan free zone. I’m not the one to send pics of myself naked or sext or things like that. I’m raising a hopeful future president or Nobel peace prize winner and I need to make sure my life does not mess his up. Though this blog may have done that. (Meh another topic for another time) anyway I don’t want to get into a situation where I’m looked at for just a good time. I’m actually very smart and interested in current events and pop culture…..and I just realized if anyone is looking for a Trivia partner I’m your girl. Anyway texting pretty much came to a halt after that and I tried some friendly text to let him know i was being playful. But I got ghosted. I’m OK. (in case anyone was wondering) but I’m wondering if the bigger problem is me. I want someone who thinks I’m smart and wants to have conversations about smart things.  I feel the need to quote the amazing Tina Fay as Liz Lemon in 30 Rock:

Liz: “I want someone who will be monogamous and nice to his mother. And I want someone who likes musicals, but knows to just shut his mouth when I’m watching LOST. And I want someone who thinks being really into cars is lame and strip clubs are gross. I want someone who will actually empty the dishwasher instead of just taking out forks, as needed, like I do. I want someone with clean hands and feet and beefy forearms like a damn Disney prince. And I want him to genuinely like me even when I’m old. And that’s what I want.”

Except add that I would also like him to like my acerbic wit and my sarcasms and to think that my ass-holiness is endearing. I feel like I have been out of the game so long – circa 2003 that I don’t know how to do this. How to be soft and feminine and attract a decent human being and then actually want to hang out with them and do couply things. And then I just think- meh whats on Hulu? and make some popcorn- cuz i kinda don’t mind the silence and Ive never been a soft cuddly feminine gal and I’m good with that. Until then please understand if were gonna be friends that :

star wars

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The Force is strong with this one

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The Force is strong with this one

Growing up a child in the 80’s, there was little you could do to escape the phenomenon that was Star Wars.  My little brother had sheets, a million toys and movies.  It was established early on that we were to choose between the dark side or upholding truth and honor like a jedi. We spoke in yoda speak,  made our hair to look like princess Leia buns as we traded in our barbies for something more badass. We wished we had our own Wookie and pretended our teddy bears were Ewoks. Anything could become a light saber and we were transported to a galaxy far far away while never leaving our own back yard.  Who knew that 30+ years later we,  the kids who both loved and feared Darth Vader would be sharing it with our own children.
  My son was introduced to Star Wars about six years ago.  He was four years old and instantly became hooked.  For about 4 months straight every day he would watch one of the episodes over and over again.  Carefully looking at each character and analyzing their purpose.  Nothing was missed.  Then came the posters,  the bed sheets,  the shower curtains,  the toys.  The search for a cheaper version of the very expensive Millennium Falcon.  We found Halloween costumes.  He had chosen the light side and went as a Luke Skywalker.  I like the movies,  concocted a plot twist.  I dressed up as Darth Vader.  I remember walking up to him and him jumping up in delight.  I whispered the famous line “Luke. ..I am your father. …and mother” he laughed and said “Mommy that’s not the line” so i lifted up my mask and plot twist- my makeup had been done as Queen Amidala underneath.  Mind blown moment.  He was all excited and screamed “your my mother and my father! !! Whaaaaat! , best costume!” And off we went to trick or treat randomly breaking out our light sabers for a duel in the streets.  Because you see i was transformed back to childhood and my son was my best friend. 

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  Fast forward to six years later and he’s eleven.  Still loves star wars,  still has the shower curtains and the soft cuddly darth Vader blanket.  We now have a collection of light sabers and now he favors Mace Windus purple saber.  I smile inside because he has chosen the light side and on top of it has chosen a wise master Jedi.  We hear in October that the movie tickets are going on sale for the December premier.  My son calls me on the way home from school and says “mommy you have to get tickets! ” little did he know that i had just spent the last 45 minutes attempting this and had just scored 2 tickets to the Friday showing of the movie.  Yes,  it was that serious,  yes it was a necessity to buy them almost two months in advance.  I printed out the tickets and brought them home to show him.  We decided they needed to be in a safe place and every few weeks i would see him go check on them to make sure they were still there. Safe and sound.

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  The week we had been waiting for was finally here.  Friday morning had come and we talked about watching the movie that night.  Did a final check for the tickets to make sure they had not been stolen by storm troopers and planned to go at 7. When i got home from work we found our Star Wars T-Shirts and my son brought out two pairs of socks.  One Darth Vader,  one Yoda. He handed me one of each and did the same for him.  We wore mismatched matching socks in solidarity.  Grabbed the tickets,  took a few pictures and off we went to see The Force Awakens. 
  Now if you haven’t been to a premier showing,  any genre with fans,  this is something that you need to do once in your life.  People are happy, friendships are forged with strangers,  costumes are worn and the comradeship is deep.  Everyone is united in their fandom. My son had his light saber and was making friends with kids who wanted to know how he managed to get the purple one.
We finally were seated amidst chatter from young and old,  excited squeals from people about what they thought,  who was Kylo Ren? My son excited that his old friends,  Han Solo,  Princess Leia (General Organa), Chewbacca, R2D2, C3p0 and Luke Skywalker were rumored to make an appearance.  The movie starts and the credits roll like usual “in a galaxy far far away. ….” i glance over at my son who sits there wide eyed and smiling.  He whispers “Let it begin” and i chuckle.  To share this moment with him,  to be here and be transported back to childhood in wonderment. We were both a couple of kids sitting there in awe of what George Lucas created, light saber in hand we knew we would always be Jedis in our hearts and I knowingly look at my son and think  “The force is strong with this one”  and everything is going to be ok.

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-Go out & be awesome ♡ Denise