Category Archives: death

Black Lives Matter, United we stand.

Standard

blmI keep seeing “ALL LIVES MATTER” on my feed and i wanted to just explain something- because i don’t think people truly are wanting to understand. When people say “Black Lives Matter” it does not mean that other lives do not matter. It does not mean that police lives do not matter or LGBT lives do not matter or that white lives do not matter. What it is is a cry for help, a reminder of a people that have been denied rights and freedom and have been oppressed since the inception of our country. It is a reminder to people that “Hey were here too and we need help” To say “All lives matter” is dismissive of the problem that is being brought to our collective attention. Its saying – hey yeah i get that your people are being incarcerated by the thousands and this year alone 153 unarmed black men/women were killed by police brutality—but what about my feelings? This movement, this statement is so much more than saying “I don’t see race or color” Some may offer a rebuttal and say “Blah, blah blah, Black on black crime” That is not an argument to be had at this moment. That is not the current issue. To use B.O.B Crime as an argument standpoint is dismissive, it is as if ISIS would be justified in bombing us because of American on American Crime- that just doesn’t make sense. Or saying that the people in Orlando deserved it because of Gay on Gay crime- is that even a thing??? You see, we/some never had to grow up like this, your children may not have to experience what black people have. My own son at the age of 4 learned what it was like to be called a Nigger. He has been called one ever since by kids at school and on the bus. He has been accused of doing something and when the truth came out it turned out he was singled out because of his race Its an eye opener and its heartbreaking and we should all care about this because in a blink of an eye they can come after us. I don’t say this to minimize the horrific tragedies that have happened as of late, we are all brothers and sisters, be it brown, black, white, yellow, LGBT, cis, disabled, religious, atheist etc. We need to find compassion and love and understand that an injustice towards one is an injustice towards all and we just cant be dismissive anymore. ‪#‎standunited‬

Advertisements

Beautifully Fat and Gracefully Unapologetic

Standard

image

Hey guys.  I’ve been debating whether or not to say anything about my surgery today and finally decided to think about it differently than how i was looking at it. This is definitely the ultimate adventure,  one that will prolong my life and allow me to continue with the shenanigans currently planned.
So some of my friends know that i struggle with PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome) for basic info click here PCOS for Dummies
Basically it has made my life really difficult in regards to my ovaries, my hair has thinned,  my face has broken out,  I’ve been told my son is a beautiful miracle because it can cause fertility issues, it reeks havoc on my hormones and gives me weight gain that is nearly impossible to lose due to the lovely metabolic disorder that accompanies it.  Sexy huh? There is no cure and many doctors do not know how to treat it. I have had to seek out specialists because it has caused me to become morbidly obese and you can imagine all the medications i have to take to prevent diabetes and heart disease on top of keeping an eye on ovarian cancer. I’ve also learned throughout all this that many insurance companies fail to acknowledge obesity as a disease and attach a shameful stigma to it. Many do not cover the medication or the surgeries to prevent diabetes and other co morbities, unless it is coded a certain way and any mention of Obesity and it sends up a red flag. In my situation my employer specifically excludes bariatric surgery or any treatment of obesity. That’s insane! After talking and emailing H.R i learned there are no appeals, no relief. It was suggested i purchase additional insurance from another source, but here’s the kicker, The insurance under the new Healthcare Act allows states to decide whether or not to treat bariatric surgery and Georgia, amongst many others is not required to cover it. When i called around for information i was told it was considered “cosmetic ” which is utter and complete rubbish. I wasn’t fat because i sat around eating copius amounts of twinkies and milkshakes. I am fat because of a metabolic disorder, something beyond my control. So in order to save my life,  i had to apply for a $10,000 loan. And I’m sitting here praying i can pay for it and that for the next three years my son won’t get sick,  break a leg,  the house won’t need repairs-  that i have no life emergencies because it will literally put me in a financial hole. But i deserve to live.
Which brings me to why i didn’t want to tell anyone about my surgery.  If you have been on the Internet, logged onto social media or even seen the news you will see that there has been a positive shift of body acceptance going on.  Plus size models are on covers of Sports Illustrated,  in lingerie, in bikinis. Hell, i even bought one.  But if you dare click on the comments people post you will read hundreds of people bashing plus size women. Calling us disgusting. That we don’t deserve to be happy with ourselves, we don’t deserve to feel beautiful. That its not ok for us to enjoy a cheeseburger every now and then without snickers from people.  The sad part is that people think they are supplying new information, trust me, in our lowest moments we have already told ourselves that we are unworthy, undeserving, stupid, lazy, that we should settle.  Then one day we woke up and joined “Team F@#$ that $hit” and shut down the noise.  I deserve to be beautiful,  to be loved,  to have amazing sex,  to run races alongside fit people. I earned those medals and finished the mud runs and I deserve what every one else deserves-common decency and respect.
I will admit I was torn when i finally decided to go ahead and have LapBand surgery.  I was ashamed.  It took my doctors almost 10 years to talk me into it and when it got to the point where it was affecting my life,  the choice was made for me.  So here i am.  Fresh off the O.R table.  Recovering from surgery this morning. I dread coming out about this because i feel that now I’ll be under a magnifying glass,  that people will watch my every bite,  every sip even more and if i don’t lose at the rate that they feel i should,  will they whisper that I’m a failure? The sane part in me says “so what!” shut out that noise.  I curse the media for telling me that I’m not good enough unless i fit a mold, that I’m only defined by a pre-determined standard of beauty.  And truth be told,  I’ve never thought i was ugly,  I’ve not had any issues where im ashamed of my size, I don’t look in the mirror and put myself down. i dress very well and I’m physically active. I fucking slay on a daily basis and i encourage you to look away and carry on with your life if you can’t handle my awesomeness- But i had to do this to save my life not to please others or to make it more comfortable for them to be around me.  I did this so that I could be around for my son and future grandbabies. So i could make it to my 100th birthday which is on Saturday September 22, 2079 – so if you’re not busy, you’re totally invited 😆
My great adventure today was LapBand Surgery.  I’m feeling sore, I’m groggy and maybe it’s the meds talking but I’m feeling brave.  I offer no apologies and today i reject the social stigma of weight and beauty and i gift myself “treat yo self”,  i celebrate life, i celebrate me.

A month of reflection- Self awareness and loss

Standard

life    Sorry I haven’t posted in a while. 2016 seemed to come in at full force like ocean waves crashing into everything. At first i thought that the year would end up great- since i said goodbye to 2015 in such a grand way and brought in the new year with carefree abandon and an adventure crossed off the list.

I expected this to be a time of transformation in my life. This blog, this challenge- to try new things was supposed to help me grow. To become a better version of myself. I expected it to be fun and lighthearted. What i failed to realize that in order to get to the fun stuff, you have to do a whole lot of cleaning first.

I started ,accidentally ,by having a conversation with a good friend over a breakfast at Waffle House. As i listened to this person go on and on about their views and beliefs and current situation i realized that this certain individual was not valuing me as a person or a friend. They were not speaking in malice and honestly were so oblivious to the fact that the more words that escaped their lips the more of a dagger it was to my soul. They didn’t love me the way i wanted them to love me and the reason wasn’t them- it was that I hadn’t set a higher standard of love for myself. And once i realized that i started to re-evaluate things and really check myself. How was I showing myself love? How was I honoring my true self? How was I going to get healthier in spirit and mind? How was i going to command those around me to love me when I didn’t understand that for myself? So i did a little housekeeping. I stepped back and started to voice my needs and wants and offered no apologies. I developed a new mantra : If it doesn’t bring me joy or help me grow then i have no use for it. Sadly that meant the end of a friendship. Not out of anger, but because it was no longer nourishing me and instead was depleting me and keeping me from growing.

So I’ve been growing. Ive been reaching out to old friends and having dinners and making new friends and new memories. And I’m happy. I am taking the time let people know i care and love them and need them in my life. I am trying to be a better friend, daughter, sister and mother. If i haven’t gotten around to you, don’t worry i will.

One thing that 2016 has reminded us (unless you have been living underneath a rock) is that life is beautifully glorious and awfully short. For the first few weeks it seemed like you would turn on the TV an another great icon had passed away. We collectively mourned and posted status updates to Facebook and reflected on how complete strangers had influenced our lives. I was distracted by the media and never realized it would hit close to home.

Last night we lost an old friend. His name was Alex Santiago . Alex was 36 and a husband, a father, alexa son, a friend. We became friends over 20 years ago and then lost touch over the years. Social Media reconnected us and although not as often as I should have, on occasion i would reach out. Often saying hello and always greeting him or signing off with the words “Old friend”. Cancer took my old friend. Words cannot describe how I am feeling. How my heart breaks for his wife, children and family. How at my age 36, i cannot fathom how this is possible. How this is unfair. All the feelings that I’m sure everyone who has lost someone has felt. I wish i would have made an effort all those times when i went back home to visit, to see him, to see anyone. I want to change this. I want to hold hands and hug and kiss and laugh with the majority of you that I grew up with. I don’t want the connection to be wireless but rather I want to be tethered to your lives and included in the memories.

Lets make memories. Lets grow together. Lets reconnect. For those that know me reach out lets make this happen. I don’t want to miss out on life.