Monthly Archives: March 2016

If it’s on YouTube anyone can do it right?

Standard

damsel.jpg  So being a single mom, woman etc there are often times when opportunities arise and you have to do many things by yourself that normally you could buck off to a husband, boyfriend, father, brother etc. I bought my son and I my first home about 3 years ago- it was the steal of the century a 4 bedroom /3 bath foreclosure in a really awesome neighborhood.  However awesome that was though it also came with the responsibilities of owning a home and me being the main person to tackle all these tasks. My family lives in Florida so i must admit i have had to rely on Skype sessions with my dad, Google University, YouTube tutorials and the kind people at Home Depot who walk me through my projects, I also cannot forget to mention the awesome friends who have come to my aide or listened to my tear induced phone calls and rage about how “If one more thing breaks, i swear to gawd i will burn the damn house down!”

The cool thing about becoming a DIY fixer upper person is that I have been able to show my son how to fix a few things and to also show him how much of a bad ass i am. Actually, i say it. Yes, i say to my son, see kid? Your mothers a bad ass- you remember that. Poor kid has had that mantra shoved into his brain forever, though now that i admit to it, i can say I’m probably saying it to myself more than I’m trying to convince him that i could rule the fricken world. I want him to be proud of me on some level, i want to be the Mom mentioned in the speeches when he collects his Nobel Peace Prize or something like that. Ill settle for nice stories to my future grand babies. I’m sure ill step in and say “When i was younger i hunted wild boars and built my house out of bamboo while making sure your father went to school and is the man he is today” My son will  undoubtedly roll his beautiful, big brown eyes.

single_mothers_think_i_do_mindy_chapman_vo_0-500x390.png

I write all this not as a high five to me, but more so to encourage you out there to go ahead and try it. If the lamp is broken try to figure out how to fix it, if you need to install a ceiling fan, go ahead and do it. We are lucky enough to be in a day and age where we can google and look up everything. I fixed my vacuum yesterday in fact. Most of these things that were once deemed stuff handymen do or men really aren’t that scary at all. And i promise you that when you do it, even if its not perfect you will totally feel like a bad ass and you can brag about it to people. I now look at stuff like- pssssht, i can totally do that, watch this. I do have to add a caveat. My own mother is a bad ass and my father is the Chuck Norris of bad-asses so they did teach me a thing or to about tools.

So here is what Ive done and you can too!

  • Installed 3 ceiling fans – here is a link from the friendly folks at Home Depot that shows you how. Go ahead and upgrade your bedroom “Treat Yo Self!” http://www.homedepot.com/c/how_to_install_ceiling_fan_HT_PG_LF
  • Fought a million gazillion wasps and infiltrated their kingdom. -just kidding i sprayed i screamed and ran really fast- but if you find a wasp nests in your yard, you can use this instead of spending $200 for pest control- Also if you get stung or die, or think you  are gonna sue my broke ass – I’m not telling you to do this, I’m just telling you how i did it. Oh and this handy dandy can of Raid shoots a really strong stream. http://www.raidkillsbugs.com/en-us/products/raid-wasp-and-hornet-killer-33
  • I also fought the Scorpion King and am ruler of their domain. OK not really, there was one on my bookshelf i panicked, sat frozen in place, got on FB asked for help and then used the above Raid Hornet killer to kill said scorpion. It worked!
  • I painted my front door red. A task that may seem easy but I promise you red is not a beginner color. That almost drove me insane! red door
  • I removed old dingy carpet from the basement and installed floating floors with the help of my best good friend- who happened to come with his own tools and expertise. http://www.homerepairtutor.com/how-to-remove-old-carpet/
  • Installed, although crooked, my own screen door on the patio. That was really tricky as I’m only 5’4 and i cussed with the strength of Samuel L Jackson during that whole  project

 

  • Cleared a yard with a Bush Hog. This literally took two of us girls to push this machine, it weighed the same a 400 elephants no lying. OK maybe a little exaggeration. I particularly proud of this one because they were quoting me $300 to do this and my handy dandy people at Home Depot were telling me i could rent the machine for $54 and it only took me 30 minutes! BAM! bush hog
  • Bribed my son and his buddies to blow, mow and rake my yard. Pizza and ice cream.
  • Trained for a Zombie Apocalypse – after binge watching too much walking dead. I mean we have to be realistic here right? 😉

zombie team

  • Taught my son with the help of my Dad how to fix the really expensive treadmill that i begged for and hardly ever use because I’m a lazy ass. treadmill.jpg

So you see, mamas or women reading this or guys that haven’t been taught, its not that scary, all you need is a dollar and a dream 😉 and you too can be like Tim the tool man Taylor. I believe in you and in the words of Rob Schneider from one of my favorite movies : you-can-do-eet.jpeg

Advertisements

Happy Single Parent’s Day!

Standard

singleparentsday_talkfusion.png

Hey everyone! Did you know we actually get a day? Not me! I guess it hasn’t caught on yet that we have our own day, so I want to be one of the first to wish you a Happy Single Parents Day. I know its not as cool as mothers day or fathers day. Were not showered by flowers or candies or specially made cards telling you how awesome you are. So I’m gonna go ahead and toot that horn for us. Cheer’s to you Mama’s and Papas out there- you are killing it!

giphy.gif

Put the kids to bed, grab a great snack and a drink and cheers to yourself you bad ass mutha—-!

Cheers to you oh parenting champion:

  1. for having bath time down to an art form while also mastering kung fu like skills to keep the dog from jumping in
  2. for having the patience to cook yet another mac n cheese dish only to have you child say they no longer like mac n cheese
  3. for juggling work and calls from the school nurse to come get your child
  4. for wanting so badly to be normal that you stretch yourself thin to be room parent/team mom/coach even though you already have your plate full
  5. for rushing home after work to drive the kids to dance/sports practice and figuring out which drive thru to tackle for dinner
  6. for being the coupon clipping master so you can stretch out that last dollar
  7. for being the go to cuddles, boo boo kissing person who makes it all better
  8. for being so stealth when hiding in the closet eating that last cookie that you swore to your child didn’t exist.
  9. for smiling through gritted teeth when your child thinks the other parent hung the moon – even though you know they wouldn’t be bothered to show up
  10. for working tow jobs or selling items on Etsy, Ebay or the consignment stohand.PNGre so your little one wouldn’t know what its like to not have something
  11. for not knowing what it’s like to date
  12. for taking a giant leap and dating
  13. for having the best nose to sniff through shirts your kid stuffed into the drawers to see if they were clean
  14. for drying up tears when they want to see the other parent but they cant
  15. for doing it without child support- even though you need it
  16. for doing it with $50 worth of child support for 3 kids or more
  17. for holding back tears when you just want to scream but push through
  18. for sitting through Daniel the Tiger, Calliou or some other cartoon that you have seen a million times.
  19. for making last minute Halloween costumes or art projects or science fair projects
  20. for having to YouTube math lessons so you can understand your child’s homework
  21. for not losing it in public when you just want to walk around the store in peace
  22. for not having a bed to yourself in years
  23. for getting dressed today
  24. for not forgetting to pack a lunch today
  25. for defrosting the chicken before your realized it was too late
  26. for having all the take out menus on hand because you cant cook today
  27. for loving these children and wanting them to be great
  28. for not realizing you’ve been watching cartoons long after your child is asleep
  29. for staying up late to watch that show you like but is not kid appropraite
  30. for getting creative when something breaks
  31. for asking for help
  32. for doing it by yourself
  33. for being the first and last hug/kiss of the day
  34. for stepping up to the plate
  35. for being proud
  36. for understanding that even though you half assed it today, your kids are healthy, fed and cleansingle
  37. for not being perfect
  38. for being strong
  39. for teaching your children independence and compassion and unconditional love.
  40. for sacrificing your hair, shoes, nails, steak so your little ones can have what they need
  41. for budgeting
  42. for throwing the budget out the window this once to just have fun
  43. for praying, not praying, wishing and hoping
  44. for being present
  45. saving for college $50 at a time
  46. for showing the world you can do it
  47. for being the best person to tuck in wiggly wormy bodies to bed and reading in the best big bad wolf voice
  48. for making it today even when you thought you wouldn’t
  49. for being amazing and trying your best
  50. for simply being you

 

So even though you may not be recognized today, know that in solidarity i stand with you, and i celebrate us. Happy Single Parents day!

With Love and Admiration,

Denise

Awesome Parent Shout Out- Yolanda M.

Standard

yo

Mom to an awesome spunky, smart girl – you know i had to give the spotlight to the bestie today

What your kids call you: Mommy

Your Passion: doing my best as a Christian, wife and mother

Funniest Mom Memory: I’ll read things to her and she will tell me that I am wrong, since it’s in Spanish (which it is not) then will proceed to “translate” it for me correctly

Most difficult time being a parent: when I needed to go back to work and my nanny situation fell through.  I couldn’t bear the thought of sending her to daycare.

If you could give someone advice what would it be: relax; be present; enjoy each and every moment

 

For the love of Pi

Standard

pi-day-2015  Its March 14 and do you know what that means? Its Pi day! (3.14159265359) Yep 3/14 and in our house that means we celebrate with pies! As i type I’m trying to figure out a Taco pie and an Apple pie that i can whip together for us after work today!

Why the fuss? Well, I’ll tell you. It started with a 5 year old kid (my kid) and his love of math. He was introduced to pi in school and became instantly fascinated with the irrational endless number. Everything was pi! When you would ask him and still to this day what his favorite number is – hell respond with pi. If you ask him to rate something on a scale of 1-10 and he really likes it, he’ll bypass 10 and go straight to pi. That’s when you know you have a winner! Chicken and broccoli? 8, soup? 2 , fruit loops? pi, Pizza, Nachos, brownies? duh pi.

So you can only imagine my delight when during our usual game of outdoing each other took a turn for awesome. Normally i would start off with “I love you more than all the stars in the sky” and he would try to top it by saying something along the lines of “I love you more than all the drops of water on earth” this would go on and on and on until we would come up with something ridiculous and the other would concede. Well one day he said “Mommy, I love you more than pi” More than pi?!! How could that be? That’s a never ending number?! Be still my heart for my baby boy loves me more than pi! The time after that he said he loved me “more than pi times pi” – woo this is serious business we are now multiplying pi!  Now he has eve sprinkled in “I love you more that pi times pi times infinity” Holy cow batman! I don’t know about you guys out there but i think Ive hit the mother-load (ha-ha)

 

pi1

For the love of pi

All kidding aside i love this about him. It has been 6 years since that was introduced and at 11 years old he still say he loves me more than pi and uses the rating system. Which is why this past year it was only right to get a little tattoo honoring him.

So from myself and my kid- i hope your day is more awesome than Pi. Go celebrate and Treat yo’ self to a slice in solidarity!

 

When a dream is just a dream

Standard

  They say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.  I used to always laugh whenever I heard that saying because in the past it has never served me well.  The heart wants what it wants and when it doesn’t get it,  it throws your whole mind off balance.  Kind of like an emotional hostage standoff with yourself but you never really win.  The mind is logical the heart acts like a three year old in a toy store throwing a tantrum over a toy it can’t have.  Unrequited love,  it’s the story of my life. 

image

  I’ve lost count how many times I have fallen hard for Mr Wrong.  How i completely open up and love so very hard.  There was Mr. Untouchable -who guarded his heart with a steel fortress, Mr. Soul-jah who was a vital part of me growing up and I remember anytime I would say I love you,  i would say it in a whisper almost afraid it would fly away if i said it any louder,  Mr. I really can’t stand you-but im gonna do the right thing-until i can’t-then I’m going to tear you down piece by piece until you are a shell of your former self and the oldie but recent who has so many names :Mr.  Nomad- mister Mt Everest- mister soul,  mister best friend,  mister music, mister not in my life at the moment because I woke up one day and over waffles and conversation i realized he would never love me. This one in particular has been rough.  It has me dreaming about him,  it has me angrier than I’ve ever been,  it has me sadder than I’ve ever been.  This one has been someone I’ve loved for  15 years on and off, who became more than a love,  but someone who knew what i was saying without me saying anything at all.  He was my version of the unattainable,  unconquerable Mr.  Big,  except in this ending there is no him chasing me down in Paris or standing outside my window with a boombox in Say Anything style.  There’s not going to be a fight where we run outside and kiss in the pouring rain,  there’s no being away and suddenly running through the airport,  flagging down a taxi and banging on the door to declare that this whole time you’ve been an idiot and in fact are in love.  That crap only exists in movies,  in real life you get the occasional “hey ” text and then deafening silence in between.

image

  My friends are so amazing and supportive and still hold on for hope that one day someone amazing as me will come into my life.  My family or more so my mother has realized I’m 36 and in a loving,  only a way a foreign mother can say- has all but given up on that hope for me,  but reminds me that at least i have a child,  a house and a car.  Every now and then she sprinkles in the occasional “it’s ok to be a lesbian joke” as if she’s trying to coax me out of a closet that doesn’t exist or come to grips that I’m not married. Lol but in her ultra feminist rant and in the same breath will just say “ju dont need a maaan” (say it with a thick accent like Sofia Vergara- that’s how my mom sounds) but behind closed doors im sure it’s more like this

image

  So back to friends. They have helped me swipe on dating apps and told me to let go of my Mr. Big, who have been there for my numerous rants and ups and downs they have been great.  They tell me to get out more and offer dating advice from their married couches.

image

Imagine their surprise when i told them that a co worker is setting me up on a blind date with Mr. Unicorn.  Mr.  Unicorn has earned this nickname because he frankly sounds too good to be true.  My matchmaking friend has told him about my independent,  feminist, no nonsense,  single mom, big booty,  plus sized life and he’s still interested. I have been told personality traits that border on the line of unreal and get the fuck outta here- no one is that awesome. (6’9, has a career,  no kids,  likes to send flowers, likes plus sized girls,  is a good friend ect) So i dubbed him Mr. Unicorn because you hear of people like this,  but i personally have never met one) so you can imagine the  flurry of excitement and advice on how to act,  what to say,  what to wear,  what not to say.  A team,  a freaking team of friends have thought of every excuse i could come up with and have combated them with solutions before i could come up with them.  I have 6 back up babysitters in case i try to use my child as an excuse,  i have 3 sets of couples who can show up unannounced and “bump into me ” at said location. i have a team of women mad that i won’t pick an outfit and people treating this like I’m the fucking next in line to take on the throne lol.

image

I guess it doesn’t help that i haven’t been on a date since 2003. I’m not even lying about that part.  I mean yes I’ve been with guys in between that time but my self esteem was so low i didn’t require much maintenance so no formal dates were had. So i know I’ll muck this up by being super awkward

image

So here i go,  doing what i know is not best by trying to get under someone else to get over someone else.  It has failed in the past but maybe I’ll get to meet some awesome people.  And in the words of the amazing,  talented Kristen Chenowith, Maybe this time. …

-Go out & be awesome ♡ Denise