I’m just gonna put it out there. The majority of times I feel lonely. Its hard. It hits the hardest when you are alone at night in a big old house that is suddenly quiet and the noise that you use to keep you from realizing you are lonely suddenly stops. It’s when your head hits the pillow and a million thoughts start rushing in. Don’t get me wrong being a mother is fulfilling in ways I would have never imagined. I’m grateful to have one of the coolest human beings attached to my soul for this life. He’s awesome. And I have a great family (who lives far away) we talk daily and they are equally supportive. I also have amazing friends and co-workers to fill up the majority of my time. But there’s something missing. The camaraderie of a partner to go through all of life’s shenanigans and laugh with at the end of the day because that’s what life is- One big hilarious adventure. Someone to unwind with at the end of the night over a binge watch session and popcorn and a tall glass of something soothing. Someone who will look at me and call me on my b.s or remind me with a laugh that I am being utterly ridiculous. It’s that connection that I miss. I miss an adult best friend who wants to be with me and journey through life. Now i know all too well from personal experience that having a partner does not equal instant happiness. I spent the better part of almost a decade with someone who felt they were being obligated to their familial responsibilities and hated me for it. I paid for that everyday through hateful words, withholding of affection, emotional punishment etc. I know the other side of hell just fine. But i still crave a connection.
It is something that has eluded me the majority of my adulthood. I have lived in the proverbial friend zone hell for as long as there has been a place to be banished to. So many times I have fallen head over heels in love with someone only to be told over and over again that “Id be perfect if they were in the place to date” or ” You would make a perfect wife for someone one day….but” or “you are my Best friend” “I’m not ready but we can still hang out” At least I know if all else fails I make a helluva bestie.
I don’t want this blog to turn into my quest for a relationship. There is so much more to me then the thirst for a companion. But I had to put it out here because one of the Adventures is to go on a date. I’ve been on the sites and have been unceremoniously introduced to “Ghosting” which is where they text you like crazy, show interest and without warning suddenly drop off the face of the earth. And you sit there replaying conversations or re-reading text messages to find some clue where you somehow came off “weird or needy or f#$ked it all up” but you don’t see anything stand out, your girlfriends even help you comb through to make sure you didn’t muck it up and nothing. You’ve just been “Ghosted” it’s a thing. It’s a sucky thing. I welcome constructive criticism. Let me know if I’m too needy, too loud, not your type physically, too this too that. Not because I feel the need to people please but because if it a valid and educated reason I always welcome the opportunity to grow and better myself.
I was talking to a few women in a Single Moms Group on FB last night and the feeling is mutual all around, We are all parents of amazing kids and yet at night we clutch the empty space in our heart and wonder where it all went wrong. I asked for help last night ideas on how to cope with the loneliness and we all came up with different things but things we are already doing. We use work, kids, TV, Food, working out to keep the silence from seeping in. We send silent blessings to couples and families walking out together in the street because we hope they enjoy that happiness forever and never have to feel what we feel. That pang of rushing home in excitement to share a story, a hug or a laugh. For some of us it has been a long time since we have even felt human touch aside from our babies. I would sell my soul to have someone hold my hand right now. This isn’t even about sex. Sex is easy. You can find anyone to sleep with. But to get someone to actually want to spend that other time with you that’s the hard part. I just feel like I’m the last kid getting picked to play kickball and it sucks and I had to get it off my chest so I wouldn’t go mad. Plus its part of the challenge of this blog and adventure. Getting out of my comfort zone. And writing about how lonely I feel at times is a vulnerable as it gets. – Go out and give free hugs people ❤
2 thoughts on “The lonliness is what makes this hard.”
Girl, I have been “alone” for 10 years. The difference is I’m not lonely – that’s the sum of my life’s experiences bringing me to a place where I am so grateful to lock the door, make some tea, grab a book and breathe easily. No one to harass me, to hurt me, to scare me. DV sucks and yes, it scars. But…I remember missing, and wanting, way back when. And I remember how hard it was, and how vulnerable I felt, too. So I send you love and strength. I want you to know you are a treasure. I know what a great Mom you are, what a great friend you are – I can see how the people close to you adore you. Your strength of character shines through – I’ve never met you – and I see it clearly.
There is strength in solitude. There is a reason for it – necessary growing pains. It’s all important.
“Loneliness is proof that your innate search for connection is intact.” – Martha Beck
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Judy that was beautiful and i love you for it. Thank you for your wisdom ❤