Introspective – Denise Thinks! (ruh-roh)

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jenn

So this will go under first adventure Me delving into the dating world. As I was skimming through the matches on the dating app I kept hitting PASS. For different reasons, Too religious, too serious, too short, weird job etc. and i realized “shit Denise, you’re not gonna go far doing this. You can’t tell anything from a picture unless they are holding say a severed head and a kilo of cocaine” other than that your being too picky, too judgy. And then i had to go a little deeper and say “You know what- you hate when people judge you and your whole hang up about this thing is that your afraid no one will ask you out because you’re fat” They can’t tell that in my head I possess mad creative skills, possibly could be a powerful ally in the zombie apocalypse, that I can take a shot of tequila with the best of them. If they looked at my picture and passed because of my looks they would miss out on the fact that I also possess the skills to be the voice of reason in a hostage situation, that I make the worlds best playlists and can order a mean take-out at the drop of a hat. Those skills would go unnoticed. So then I thought WHY do I do this? and the truth is guys, I’m scared. I mean yes the obvi reasons -I could get kidnapped sold to a harem and be forced to do unspeakable things until I age out. (If that’s even a thing- shit at 36 i may have already passed the point of aging out! womp womp womp) or i have to be vulnerable which to me is akin to a vampire being afraid of garlic breath or garlic- I get those mixed up. Vulnerability sucks- and that’s one of the reasons I started this blog to help me be more open and kinda work though the madness that is my brain. In me doing this experiment, the 36 adventures its opening me up to a world I have voluntarily shut out – and that scares the hell of me. I have been content in being someones partner, someones mom and daughter, the big sister, the boss at work but I’ve never been truly comfortable taking risks in being me. I have this amazing son at home who acts as if I hung the moon and is wise beyond his years – we have deep conversations at times and he reminds me that i need to live my life. I don’t want him to be afraid of life and i want him to have many many adventures. So I have to lead by example. On this journey I hope to find love. Not in a man – but self-love, self-awareness and self-respect. I want to love myself and honestly if I cant do that now how am I expected to give back when I start dating?

  An update still no hits but I’m still in. Until I get a hit, ill just sit here and get to know myself better and in the meantime check into other adventures to get into. Thanks for listening!

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